Indiana University:

THE WISDOM TO KNOW WHAT IS BEST LEFT UNLEARNED

Indiana University:

THE WISDOM TO KNOW WHAT IS BEST LEFT UNLEARNED

Indiana University: Winner of the Football Game!

Woman in a business suit wearing a football helmet with a confident smile.

Interview with IU Football-Adjacent Supreme Leader, Pammie Whitten

SYPH: Thank you for sitting down with us to discuss the current state of higher education, shared university governance and free speech on campus.

Pammie: I won the football game.

SYPH: You famously had state police snipers stationed on the Memorial Union roof, prepared to massacre student and faculty protestors. Now that some time has elapsed, do you have any regrets?

Pammie: I don't regret IU winning the football championship! Without my leadership, Indiana football would still be losing skirmishes with middle school football teams.

SYPH: You mean scrimmages?

Pammie: No, skirmishes. In the parking lot. Lots of our football players got hurt.

SYPH: You got a lot of national reprobation when you tried to eliminate student journalism at IU. Have you learned a lesson from that?

Pammie: All I did was mandate that the IDS exclusively cover IU football, because my football team deserves to be celebrated. Did you know that thanks to me, we won the Super Bowl?

SYPH: Do you mean the College Football Playoff National Championship?

Pammie: Yes, the Super Bowl. I was out there, calling the shots with Coach Cignetti. I taught him everything he knows. I am football. Love me.

SYPH: Are you hoping that the football championship will help deflect from your history of flagrant plagiarism?

Pammie: Anyone who opposes me opposes football. As I always say, "Everything in the Football, nothing outside the Football, Nothing against the Football."

SYPH: Any last words?

Pammie: Football. Yes, there is nothing to see here but football.

IU NEWS!

IU Prez Honored!

Whitten Rewarded!

Indiana “University” President Spamela Witless received the White House Medal of Bravery at the State of Disunion speech. President Trump conferred the honor to Witless for courageously standing up to unarmed speech-wielding students with nothing more than trained snipers and a heavily armed state police brigade.

Whitten Rewarded!

Indiana University President Pramela Whitten awarded $13 million dollar bonus for her successful work in receiving bonuses.

Accountability!

Whitten Rewarded!

Witless Sets Sights on Jacobson School of Music

University president has men stationed on roof of student union building aiming loaded rifles at students, is not arrested, keeps her job and continues to be paid millions in citizens' tax dollars.

Witless Sets Sights on Jacobson School of Music

IU Installs Non-Jew as Head of Jewish Studies to Purge Antisemitic Jews

Witless Sets Sights on Jacobson School of Music

Indiana University President Pampered Witless announced reforms to eliminate/improve the university’s school of music. “I don’t know how we overlooked music in our work to make IU great again,” said Witless.

“What is music, anyway? It’s not a business. It’s just some sounds,” said IU Board of Trustees President Quinn Buckaneer. “They are marching to the beat of a different drummer,” added Buckaneer, while touching the hem of Witless’s garment. “The only beat they should march to is the Wehrmacht march Erika. It’s very catchy.”

“In our righteous work to Americanize education, we have made great progress in eliminating woke studies like ‘language’ and ‘science,’” said Witless. “Music is the worst of the worst. It leads to punk rock and, eventually, zines.”

Music majors should expect imminent and drastic cuts, starting with minor keys and progressing to codas, arpeggios and non-compliant time signatures.

IU Installs Non-Jew as Head of Jewish Studies to Purge Antisemitic Jews

The former Indiana University (now Braundiana U.) Viceroy David Reingold has replaced Jewish Studies Director Mark Roseman with anti-Palestine crusader Günther Jikeli. Roseman was seen as too soft on free speech. One of Jikeli’s first order of business was to kick a Jewish student out of a Zoom meeting for displaying a free Palestine image in her profile. He subsequently defunded her travel stipend to present a paper on Zionism.

“We need non-Jews like Jikeli to tell us the right way to be Jewish,” explained a fictitious Jewish spokesperson, “just like it’s my job to tell Black people how to not be racist against themselves.”

Governor Braun's Support Continues to Unwaver

IU Installs Non-Jew as Head of Jewish Studies to Purge Antisemitic Jews

IU President Spam Whitten becomes an undead flesh-eating zombie, goes on a murderous rampage across campus, tearing the skin off student reporters, ripping the entrails out of non-union teaching assistants and devouring the brains of trans athletes. Governor Braun declares his “complete confidence” in Whitten.

Whitten to Live On In Buckner

Death of Higher Education Mourned

IU Honors Kirk (not the Captain)

IU Foundation President Quinn Buckner completes his plastic surgery, changes his name to Pamela Whitten and declares, “I’m the real Pam Whitten now!” while the original Pam Whitten is off eating the brains of students. Governor Braun declares his “complete confidence” in the new Whitten.

IU Honors Kirk (not the Captain)

Death of Higher Education Mourned

IU Honors Kirk (not the Captain)

Work is underway on a campus-sized replica of Charlie Kirk at Indiana University, made of synthetic limestone and adorned with South African diamonds mined in the glory days of apartheid. Incoming freshmen will enter Kirk’s agape mouth at the university’s Sample Gate, and exit, four years later, degree in hand, out the bottom of Kirk’s digestive system.

Death of Higher Education Mourned

A memorial service was held for higher education at Indiana University. Members of the community paid their last respects to the bodies of 249 academic programs that lay in state at the IU rotunda. No crying was permitted.

More Bonus News!

Death of Higher Education Mourned

The IU Bored of Trustees has awarded a $225,000 bonus to President Pamela Whitten in recognition of her work to rid the University of students.

Pam Fixes Woke Math!

Indiana University President Pamela “Shoot-to-Kill” Whitten dismantles IU Math Department, declares the distributive law to be “Marxist redistribution of wealth,” the associative law “forces us to associate with our inferiors,” and insists that “numbers are not equal! No matter how many twos you tolerate, they will never ‘equal’ four. Four is a bigger, better number. No more woke equality among numbers! And so-called ‘odd’ numbers have no place poisoning the blood of our number line! We will cooperate with Homeland Security to have them removed. Fractions will not replace us! To guarantee the purity of the number line, approved numbers will be tattooed on your wrists. We declare freedom from woke ‘new math’! Division is the only operation worth teaching.”

Precedent Whitten Editorial

Hello. You may know me as the person our great governor installed as President of Indiana University. I am honored to have been granted an editorial on our university's website, in exchange for not bringing in the National Guard to shoot all of the webmistresses.

When I first was made aware that the townsfolk called me “Pam Shoot-to-Kill Whitten,” I resented the moniker. But then I realized that they were just calling me a straight shooter! I shoot from the hip. Mostly at students who are protesting genocide, but sometimes at a faculty member who promotes free speech of the bad kind. The kind that implies that there’s something wrong with genocide. As a 55-year old (you thought I was 20 years older, I know. I get that a lot), I am proud to be part of the GenXcide generation, and I will always stand up for genocide as long as it’s not against white South Africans.

Indiana University is at the forefront of dismantling education in this country, and I will never let IU be the brunt of any presidential social media tweet. That is why we are proactively giving in to all possible future demands from the Trump Administration. With the guidance of our partners in the Indiana State Assembly and the governor’s hand-picked IU Board of Trustees, we will make sure there are no university programs left to attack.

As for the spurious allegations of plagiarism leveled against me, they will not deter me from protecting the freedom of snipers to station themselves on university roofs. And in defense of that freedom, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the soccer fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender. And I say to my detractors, have you no sense of decency, sir, at long last? Senator, you’re no Jack Kennedy.

Education was never intended to educate. Our founding plantation owners knew that the best way to teach our first-born sons to be captains of industry was to provide a nurturing setting free of DEI people, where there is no danger of being woken from your dreams of world domination. Shakespeare said it best when he wrote about the dangers of being woke, “Sleep, purchase a dream … at Indiana University.”

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THE WISDOM TO KNOW WHAT IS BEST LEFT UNLEARNED

THE WISDOM TO KNOW WHAT IS BEST LEFT UNLEARNED

Indiana University: Winner of the Football Game!

Interview with IU Football-Adjacent Supreme Leader, Pammie Whitten

IU NEWS!

IU Prez Honored!

Whitten Rewarded!

Whitten Rewarded!

Whitten Rewarded!

Whitten Rewarded!

Whitten Rewarded!

Accountability!

Whitten Rewarded!

Witless Sets Sights on Jacobson School of Music

Witless Sets Sights on Jacobson School of Music

IU Installs Non-Jew as Head of Jewish Studies to Purge Antisemitic Jews

Witless Sets Sights on Jacobson School of Music

IU Installs Non-Jew as Head of Jewish Studies to Purge Antisemitic Jews

IU Installs Non-Jew as Head of Jewish Studies to Purge Antisemitic Jews

IU Installs Non-Jew as Head of Jewish Studies to Purge Antisemitic Jews

Governor Braun's Support Continues to Unwaver

IU Installs Non-Jew as Head of Jewish Studies to Purge Antisemitic Jews

IU Installs Non-Jew as Head of Jewish Studies to Purge Antisemitic Jews

Whitten to Live On In Buckner

Death of Higher Education Mourned

IU Honors Kirk (not the Captain)

IU Honors Kirk (not the Captain)

Death of Higher Education Mourned

IU Honors Kirk (not the Captain)

Death of Higher Education Mourned

Death of Higher Education Mourned

Death of Higher Education Mourned

More Bonus News!

More Bonus News!

Death of Higher Education Mourned

"It's not murder if they were protesting genocide.... It's just business." - IU President Pam Whitten

IU Fall Schedule - 2027

Pam Fixes Woke Math!

Did Pam “the Sniper” Whitten accept a brown paper bag filled with $50,000 in cash with the words “Gift from Tom Homan” scrawled in marker?

Precedent Whitten Editorial

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